Take the responsibility of your failures!

When the failure-type personality looks for a scapegoat or excuse for his failure, he often blames society, "the system," life, the "breaks."
He resents the success and happiness of others because it is proof to him that life is short-changing him and he is being treated unfairly.

Resentment is an attempt to explain our own failure by injustice. However, as a salve for failure, resentment is a cure that is worse than the disease. It is a deadly poison to the spirit, makes happiness impossible, uses up tremendous energy which could go into accomplishment.
A vicious cycle is often set up. The person who always carries a grievance, and has a chip on his shoulder, does not make the best companion or co-worker. When co-workers do not warm up to him, or the boss attempts to point out deficiencies in his work, he has additional reasons for feeling resentful.

Admitting being wrong is a thing that great people does

"No man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes," said Gladstone. "I have learned more from my mistakes than from my successes," said Sir Humphry Davy.
"We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success; we often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery." said Samuel Smiles.
"Mr. Edison worked endlessly on a problem, using the method of elimination (TRY and FAIL method). If a person asked him whether he were discouraged because so many attempts proved unavailing, he would say, 'No, I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." said Thomas A. Edison.

Great men and big personalities make mistakes and admit them. It is the little man who is afraid to admit he has been wrong. Yes, many people are indecisive because they fear loss of self-esteem if they are proved wrong. So, take the necessary steps you believe, enjoy the results if they are good; and admit that they were mistakes, if they are wrong; and change your way.
It is that simple!

Do not afraid of being wrong

Nobody is right all the time. Realize that it is not required that a man be 100 percent right at all times. When you once successed, unsuccessful attempts would not be remembered, even by you. It is in the nature of things that we progress by acting, making mistakes, and correcting course. A guided torpedo literally arrives at its target by making a series of mistakes and continually correcting its course. You cannot correct your course if you are standing still. You cannot change or correct "nothing."

All you must do is to consider the known facts in a situation, imagine possible consequences of various courses of action, choose one that seems to offer the best solution—and bet on it!

Do not afraid of being wrong. You can correct your course as you go, or completely change your way.

Immobility is the worst.

Uncertainty is a "way" of avoiding mistakes, and responsibility.

Uncertainty is a "way" of avoiding mistakes, and responsibility.

It is based upon the fallacious premise that if
no decision is made, nothing can go wrong. Being "wrong" holds untold horrors to the person who tries to conceive of himself as perfect. He is never wrong, and always perfect in all things. If he were ever wrong his picture of a perfect, all powerful self would crumble. Therefore, decision-
making becomes a life-or-death matter. One "way" is to avoid as many decisions as possible,
and prolong them as much as possible. Another "way" is to have a handy scapegoat to blame. This type of person makes decisions—but he makes them hastily, prematurely, and is well-known for going off half-cocked. Making decisions offers him no problem at all. He is perfect. It is
impossible for him to be wrong in any case. Therefore, why consider facts or consequences? He is able to maintain this fiction when his. decisions backfire, simply by convincing himself it was someone else's fault. It is easy to see why both types fail. One is continually in hot water
from impulsive and ill-considered actions, the other is stymied because he will not act at all. In other words, the "Uncertainty" way of being right doesn't work.

Beating loneliness

Loneliness is a way of self-protection. Lines of communication with other people—and especially any emotional ties—are cut down. It is a way to protect our idealized self against exposure, hurt, humiliation. The lonely personality is afraid of other people.

The lonely person often complains that he has no friends, and there are no people to mix with. In most cases, he unwittingly arranges things in this manner because of his passive attitude, that it is up to other people to come to him, to make the first move, to see that he is entertained. It never occurs to him that he should contribute something to any social situation.

Regardless of your feelings, force yourself to mix and mingle with other people. After the first cold plunge, you will find yourself warming up and enjoying it if you persist. Develop some social skill that will add to the happiness of other people: dancing, bridge, playing the piano, tennis, conversation. It is an old psychological axiom that constant exposure to the object of fear immunizes against the fear. As the lonely person continues to force himself into social relations with other human beings—not in a passive way, but as an active contributor—he will gradually find that most people are friendly, and that he is accepted. His shyness and timidity begin to disappear. He feels more comfortable in the presence of other people and with himself. The experience of their acceptance of him enables him to accept himself.

LONELINESS

All of us are lonely at times, and this just normal. But when loneliness is excessive and chronic —of being cut off and alienated from other people— it is a symptom of the failure mechanism. In a stimulating conversation, in dancing, playing together, or in working together for a common goal, we become interested in something other than maintaining our own shams and pretenses. As we get to know the other fellow, we feel less need for pretense. We "unthaw" and become more natural. The more we do this the more we feel we can afford to dispense -with the sham and pretense and feel more comfortable just being ourselves, and finding ourselves.


Lonely person cuts himself off from the pathway to finding himself, which is to lose oneself in social activities with other people. Doing things with other people and enjoying things with other people, helps us to forget ourselves. Thus, alienation from life causes alienation from real self. Because of his feeling of alienation from self, human contacts are not very satisfying, and he becomes a social recluse. Thus, the lonely person often sets up a vicious cycle.

Never think that you are superior and complete.

I knew a boxer who fought well until he won the championship. In his next fight he lost the championship. After losing the title, he fought well again and regained the championship. A wise manager said to him, "You can fight as well as champion as when you're the contender if you'll remember one thing: every match is a challenge for having championship. Unless you win, you will not have it again. You are completely equal with your rival. So, when you step into that ring you aren't defending the championship—you're fighting for it."

That example clearly explain "underdog psychology" in sports. "When a championship team begins to think of itself as "the champions," they no longer have something to fight for, but a status to defend. The champions are defending something, trying to prove something. The underdogs are fighting to do something and often bring about an upset.

Never think that you are superior and complete. Because that thought causes a feeling that "you have to defend your position". Looking like a champion is a way of proving to yourself and others your superiority. However, it is just self-defeating! If you are perfect and superior now—then there is no need to fight, grapple and try. In fact, if you are caught trying real hard, it may be considered evidence that you are not superior—so you "don't try." You lose your will to win, consequently your fight.

Two reasons for insecurity

Some of us feels that he or she should be "good", "successful", "happy" competent, poised. These are all worthy goals. But they should be thought of, at least in their absolute sense, as goals to be achieved, as something to reach for, rather than as "shoulds." The feeling of insecurity is based upon a concept or belief of inner inadequacy. If you feel that you are not capable to meet to what is required, you feel insecure. A great deal of insecurity is not due to the fact that our inner resources are actually inadequate, but due to the fact that We use a false ruler. We compare our actual abilities to an imagined "ideal," perfect, or absolute self. Thinking of yourself in terms of absolutes induces insecurity. A second reason to feel insecurity is lack of movement towards a direction. Because man is a goal-striving mechanism, the self realizes itself fully only when man is moving forward towards something. Man maintains his balance, poise, and sense of security only as he is moving forward like a bicycle. When you think of yourself as having attained the goal, you become static, and you lose the security and equilibrium you had when you were moving towards something. The man who is convinced that he is "good" in the absolute sense, not only has no incentive to do better, but he feels insecure because he must defend the sham and pretense. When someone called Jesus "good" he admonished him, "Why callest thou me good? There is but one good and that is the Father." St. Paul is generally regarded as a "good" man, yet his own attitude was, "I count myself not to have achieved . . . but I press on toward the goal."

Safety-valves for Emotional Steam

When you are blocked in achieving some important goal, you are somewhat like a steam locomotive with a full head of steam with nowhere to go. You need a safety valve for your excess of emotional steam. All types of physical exercise are excellent for get rid of aggression. Physical exercises are good. Especially good are those games where you hit or smash something—golf, tennis, bowling, punching the bag. Many frustrated women intuitively recognize the value of heavy muscular exercise in draining off aggressiveness, when they feel an urge to rearrange all the furniture in the house after becoming upset. Another good device is to vent your spleen in writing. Write a letter to the person who has frustrated or angered you. Pull out all the stops. Leave nothing to the imagination. Then burn the letter. The best channel of all for aggression is to use it up to work to achieve your goals. Thus, work remains one of the best therapies, and one of the best tranquilizers for a troubled spirit.

Beating misdirected aggressiveness

Understanding the mechanism involved in anger will help you to handle it. Misdirected aggression is an attempt to hit one target (the original goal). by attacking any target. It doesn't work. You don't solve one problem by creating another. If you feel like snapping at someone; stop and ask yourself—"Is this merely my own frustration at work? What has frustrated me?" When you see that your response is illogical and inappropriate, you have a great chance to control it. It also takes much of the pain away when someone is rude to you, if you realize that it is probably not a willful act, but an automatic mechanism at work. The other fellow is letting off steam which he could not use in achieving some goal. Many automobile accidents are caused by the frustration-aggression mechanism. The next time someone is rude to you in traffic, try this: Instead of becoming aggressive, say to yourself: "The poor fellow has nothing against me personally. Probably, he can't pay the rent, or his boss chewed him out, or he failed in another subject". This is tolerance, empathy, and understanding others. And will work very good for everyone.

Do not kill your aggression, just direct it wisely!

The failure-type personality does not direct his aggressiveness toward the accomplishment of a worthwhile goal. Instead it is used in such self-destructive channels as ulcers, high blood pressure, worry, excessive smoking, compulsive overwork, or it may be turned upon other persons in the form of irritability, rudeness, gossip, nagging, fault-finding. The answer to aggression is not to eradicate it, but to understand it, and provide proper and appropriate channels for its expression. Aggressive behavior is so basic and fundamental that, we cannot feel or express affection, until channels have been provided for the expression of aggression. Providing a proper outlet for aggression is as important, if not more so, than providing for love and tenderness.

AGGRESSIVENESS (Good and Bad)

Aggressiveness itself is not an abnormal behavior pattern.. Aggressiveness, and emotional steam, are very necessary in reaching a goal. We must go out after what we want in an aggressive rather than in a defensive or tentative manner. We must grapple with problems aggressively. The mere fact of having an important goal is enough to create emotional pressure, and bring aggressive tendencies into play. However, trouble ensues when we are blocked in achieving our goal. The emotional steam is then dammed up, seeking an outlet. Misdirected, or unused, it becomes a destructive force. The worker who wants to punch his boss in the nose but doesn't dare, goes home and snaps at his wife and kids. Or he may turn his aggressiveness upon himself and harms himself.

(Excerpted from Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz)

Frustration as a method to solve problems!

Feelings of frustration, discontent, dissatisfaction are ways of solving problems that we all "learned" as infants. If an infant is hungry he expresses discontent by crying. A warm, tender hand then appears magically out of nowhere and brings milk. Many children continue to get their way, and have their problems solved by over-indulgent parents, by merely expressing their feelings of frustration. All they have to do is feel frustrated and dissatisfied and the problem is solved. This way "works" for the infant and for some children. It does not work in adult life. Yet many of us continue to try it, by feeling discontented and expressing our grievances against life, apparently in the hope that life itself will take pity—rush in and solve our problem for us—if only we feel badly enough. Thoughts and feelings go together. Feelings are the soil that thoughts and ideas grow in. This is the reason that you have been advised to imagine how you would feel if you succeeded—and then feel that way right now!

(Excerpted from Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz)

Frustration

Frustration is an emotional feeling which develops whenever some important goal cannot be realized or when some strong desire is thwarted. All of us must necessarily suffer some frustration by the very fact of being human and therefore imperfect, incomplete, unfinished. As we grow older we should learn that all desires cannot be satisfied immediately. We also learn that our works frequently are not as good as our intentions. We also learn to accept the fact that perfection is not necessary nor required, and that approximations are good enough for all practical purposes. We learn to tolerate a certain amount of frustration without becoming upset about it. It is only when a frustrating experience brings excessive emotional feelings of deep dissatisfaction and futility that it becomes a symptom of failure. Chronic frustration usually means that the goals we have set for ourselves are unrealistic, or the image we have of ourselves is inadequate, or both.

(Excerpted from Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz)

Beating Failure - 2 (Understanding Brings Cure)

Understanding Brings Cure!
F-rustration, hopelessness, futility A-ggressiveness (misdirected) I-nsecurity L-oneliness (lack of "oneness") U-ncertainty R-esentment E—mptiness.

No one sits down and deliberately decides to develop these negative traits. They do not "just happen." Each of them was originally adopted as a method to solve a difficulty or a problem. We adopt them because we mistakenly see them as a method to solve some difficulties. They have meaning and purpose, although based upon a mistaken premise. One of the strongest urges in human nature is to react appropriately. We can cure these failure symptoms, not by will power, but by understandings—by being able to "see" that they do not work and that they are inappropriate. Yes, the truth can set us free from them. And when we can see the truth, then the same instinctive forces which caused us to adopt them in the first place, will work for us to eradicate them.

(Excerpted from Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz)

Beating Failure - 1 (Recognizing and correcting the failure-type personality)

The failure-type personality has its symptoms. We need to be able to recognize these failure symptoms in ourselves to correct them. When we learn to recognize those habits as signs of failure, these symptoms then act automatically as "negative feedback," and help guide us down the road to success. However, we not only need to become "aware" of them. We need to recognize them as things which we do not want, and convince ourselves deeply and sincerely that these things do not bring success and happiness. No one is immune to these negative feelings and attitudes. Even the most successful personalities experience them at times. The important thing is to recognize them for what they are, and take positive action to correct course.

The Picture of Failure
F-rustration, hopelessness, futility
A—ggressiveness (misdirected)
I-nsecurity
L-oneliness (lack of "oneness")
U-ncertainty
R-esentment
E—mptiness.

(Excerpted from Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz)

You Are "Somebody"—Now!

Many people continuously hate and reject themselves because of: -Their completely natural biological desires. -They do not conform to the current day's fashion for physical characteristics.

Seeking "your self" in conformity, in the approval of other people, or in material things is a MISTAKE.

Say to yourself instead, "I may not be perfect, I may have bad habits and weaknesses, I might have gotten off the track, I may have a long way to go — but I am someone and I will make the most of that someone."

Instead of saying 'I am nothing,' choose to say 'I am everything' and then go to prove it. That does not mean conceit or egotism, and if people think it does, let them think so. Enough for us to know that it means faith, trust, confidence, the human expression of the God within us!

Please do your work. Go and do it. No matter what it is. Do it, but do it with a zest; a keenness; a gusto that surmounts obstacles and brushes aside discouragement.

Accept yourself! Be yourself! You cannot realize the potentialities and possibilities inherent in that unique and special someone which is "YOU" if you keep turning your back upon it, feeling ashamed of it, refusing to recognize it!


(Excerpted from: Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz)

"You" Are Not Your Mistakes

Self-acceptance means accepting and coming to terms with ourselves now, just as we are, with all our faults, weaknesses, shortcomings, errors, as well as our assets and strengths. Self-acceptance is easier, however, if we realize that these negatives belong to us—they are not us. Many people shy away from healthy self-acceptance be­cause they insist upon identifying themselves with their mistakes. You may have made a mistake, but this does not mean that you are a mistake. You may not be express­ing yourself properly and fully, but this does not mean you yourself are "no good."
We must recognize our mistakes and shortcomings be­fore we can correct them.
The first step toward acquiring knowledge is the recog­nition of those areas where you are ignorant. The first step toward becoming stronger is the recognition that you are weak. And all religions teach that the first step toward salvation is the self-confession that you are a sinner. In the journey toward the goal of ideal self-expression, we must use negative feed-back data to correct course, as in any other goal-striving situation.
This requires admitting to ourselves—and accepting the fact, that our personality,, our "expressed self," or what some psychologists call our "actual self," is always im­perfect and short of the mark.
No one ever succeeds during a lifetime in fully express­ing or bringing into actuality all the potentialities of the Real Self. In our Actual, expressed Self, we never ex­haust all the possibilities and powers of the Real Self. We can always learn more, perform better, behave better. The Actual Self is necessarily imperfect. Throughout life it is always moving toward an ideal goal, but never arriving. , The Actual Self is not a static but a dynamic thing. It is never completed and final, but always in a state of growth.
It is important that we learn to accept this Actual Self, with all its imperfections, because it is the only vehicle we have. The neurotic rejects his Actual Self and hates it be­cause it is imperfect. In its place he tries to create a ficti­tious ideal self which is already perfect, has already "arrived." Trying to maintain the sham and fiction is not only a terrific mental strain, but he continually invites dis­appointment and frustration when he tries to operate in a real world with a fictitious self. A stage coach may not be the most desirable transportation in the world, but a real stage coach will still take you coast to coast more satis­factorily than will a fictitious jet air-liner.
Prescription: Accept yourself as you are—and start from there. Learn to emotionally tolerate imperfection in yourself. It is necessary to intellectually recognize our shortcomings, but disastrous to hate ourselves because of them. Differentiate between your "self" and your behav­ior. "You" are not ruined or worthless because you made a mistake or got o f f course, any more than a typewriter is worthless which makes an error, or a violin which sounds a sour note. Don't hate yourself because you're not per­fect. You have lots of company. No one else is, either, and those who try to pretend they are are kidding them­selves.

(7) SELF-ACCEPTANCE

No real success or genuine happiness is possible until a person gains some degree of self-acceptance. The most miserable and tortured people in the world are those who are continually straining and striving to convince them­selves and others that they are something other than what they basically are. And there is no relief and satisfaction like that that comes when one finally gives up the shams and pretenses and is willing to be himself. Success, which comes from self-expression, often eludes those who strive and strain to "be somebody," and often comes, almost of its own accord, when a person becomes willing to relax and—"Be Himself."
Changing your self-image does not mean changing your self, or improving your self, but changing your own men­tal picture, your own estimation, conception, and realiza­tion of that self. The amazing results which follow from developing an adequate and realistic self-image, come about, not as a result of self-transformation, but from self-realization, and self-revelation. Your "self," right now, is what it has always been, and all that it can ever be. You did not create it. You cannot change it. You can, however, realize it, and make the most of what already is by gaining a true mental picture of your actual self. There is no use straining to "be somebody." You are what you are—now. You are somebody, not because you've made a million dollars, or drive the biggest car in your block, or win at bridge—but because God created you in His own image.
Most of us are better, wiser, stronger, more competent now, than we realize. Creating a better self-image does not create new abilities, talents, powers—it releases and utilizes them.
We can change our personality, but not our basic self. Personality is a tool, an outlet, a focal point of the "self" that we use in dealing with the world. It is the sum total of our habits, attitudes, learned skills, which we use as a method of expressing ourselves.

(6) SELF-CONFIDENCE

Confidence is built upon an experience of success. When we first begin any undertaking, we are likely to have little confidence, because we have not learned from ex­perience that we can succeed. This is true of learning to ride a bicycle, speak in public, or perform surgery. It is literally true that success breeds success. Even a small success can be used as a stepping stone to a greater one. Managers of boxers are very careful to match them care­fully so they can have a graduated series of successful experiences. We can use the same technique, starting gradually, and experiencing success at first on a small scale.
Another important technique is to form the habit of re­membering past successes, and forgetting failures. This is the way both an electronic computer and the human brain are supposed to operate. Practice improves skill and suc­cess in basketball, golf, horseshoe pitching, or salesman­ship, not because "repetition" has any value in itself. If it did we would "learn" our errors instead of our "hits." A person learning to pitch horseshoes, for example, will miss the stake many more times than he will hit it. If mere rep­etition were the answer to improved skill, his practice should make him more expert at missing since that is what he has practiced most. However, although his misses may outnumber hits ten to one, through practice his misses gradually diminish and his hits come more and more frequently. This is because the computer in his brain remembers and reinforces his successful attempts, and for­gets the misses.
This is the way that both an electronic computer and our own success mechanisms learn to succeed.
Yet, what do most of us do? We destroy our self-con­fidence by remembering past failures and forgetting all about past successes. We not only remember failures, we impress them on our minds with emotion. We condemn ourselves. We flay ourselves with shame and remorse (both are highly egotistical, self-centered emotions). And self-confidence disappears.
It doesn't matter how many times you have failed in the past. What matters is the successful attempt, which should be remembered, reinforced, and dwelt upon. Charles Kettering has said that any young man who wants to be a scientist must be willing to fail 99 times before he succeeds once, and suffer no ego damage because of it.
Prescription: Use errors and mistakes as a way to learn­ing—then dismiss them from your mind. Deliberately re­member and picture to yourself past successes. Everyone has succeeded sometime at something. Especially, when beginning a new task, call up the feelings you experienced in some past success, however small it might have been.
Dr. Winfred Overholser, Superintendent of St. Eliza­beth's Hospital, has said that recalling brave moments is a very sound way to restore belief in yourself; that too many people are prone to let one or two failures blot out all good memories. If we will systematically relive our brave moments in memory, he says, we will be surprised to see we had more courage than we thought. Dr. Overholser recommends the practice of vividly remembering our past successes and brave moments as an invaluable aid when­ever self-confidence is shaken.

(5) ESTEEM

Several years ago I wrote a contribution to the "Words to Live By" feature of This Week Magazine on the words of Carlyle, "Alas! the fearful Unbelief is unbelief in your­self." At that time I said:
"Of all the traps and pitfalls in life, self-disesteem is the deadliest, and the hardest to overcome; for it is a pit de­signed and dug by our own hands, summed up in the phrase, 'It's no use—I can't do it,'
The penalty of succumbing to it is heavy—both for the individual in terms of material rewards lost, and for society in gains and progress unachieved.
"As a doctor I might also point out that defeatism has still another aspect, a curious one, which is seldom recog­nized. It is more than possible that the words quoted above are Carlyle's own confession of the secret that lay behind his own craggy assertiveness, his thunderous temper and waspish voice and his appalling domestic tyranny.
"Carlyle, of course, was an extreme case. But isn't it on those days when we are most, subject to the 'fearful Un­belief,' when we most doubt ourselves and feel inadequate to our task—isn't it precisely then that we are most diffi­cult to get along with?"
We simply must get it through our heads that holding a low opinion of ourselves is not a virtue, but a vice. Jeal­ousy, for example, which is the scourge of many a mar­riage, is nearly always caused by self-doubt. The person with adequate self-esteem doesn't feel hostile toward others, he isn't out to prove anything, he can see facts more clearly, isn't as demanding in his claims on other people.
The housewife who felt that a face lift might cause her husband and children to appreciate her more, really needed to appreciate herself more. Middle-age, plus a few wrinkles and a few grey hairs had caused her to lose self-esteem. She then became super-sensitive to innocent re­marks and actions of her family.

Prescription: Stop carrying around a mental picture of yourself as a defeated, worthless person. Stop dramatiz­ing yourself as an object of pity and injustice. Use the practice exercises in this book to build up an adequate self-image.
The word "esteem" literally means to appreciate the Worth of. Why do men stand in awe of the stars, and the moon, the immensity of the sea, the beauty of a flower or a sunset, and at the same time downgrade themselves? Did not the same Creator make man? Is not man himself the most marvelous creation of all? This appreciation of your own worth is not egotism unless you assume that you made yourself and should take some of the credit. Do not downgrade the product merely because you haven't used it correctly. Don't childishly blame the prod­uct for your own errors like the schoolboy who said, "This typewriter can't spell."
But the biggest secret of self-esteem is this: Begin to appreciate other people more; show respect for any human being merely because he is a child of God and therefore a "thing of value." Stop and think when you're dealing with people. You're dealing with a unique, indi­vidual creation of the Creator of all. Practice treating other people as if they had some value—and surprisingly enough your own self-esteem will go up. For real self-esteem is not derived from the great things you've done, the things you own, the mark you've made—but an appre­ciation of yourself for what you are—a child of God. When you come to this realization, however, you must necessarily conclude that all other people are to be appre­ciated for the same reason.

(4) CHARITY

Successful personalities have some interest in and re­gard for other people. They have a respect for others' problems and needs. They respect the dignity of human personality and deal with other people as if they were human beings, rather than as pawns in their own game. They recognize that every person is a child of God and is a unique individuality which deserves some dignity and respect.

It is -a psychologic fact that our feelings about ourselves tend to correspond to our feelings about other people. When a person begins to feel more charitably about others, he invariably begins to feel more charitably to­ward himself. The person who feels that "people are not very important" cannot have very much deep-down self-respect and self-regard—for he himself is "people" and with what judgment he considers others, he himself is un­wittingly judged in his own mind. One of the best known methods of getting over a feeling of guilt is to stop con­demning other people in your own mind—stop judging them—stop blaming them and hating them for their mistakes. You will develop a better and more adequate self-image when you begin to feel that other people are more worthy.

Another reason that Charity toward other people is symptomatic of the successful personality is because it means that the person is dealing with reality. People are important. People cannot for long be treated like ani- ; mals or machines, or as pawns to secure personal ends. Hitler found this out. So will other tyrants wherever they may be found—in the home, in business, or in individ­ual relationships.

Prescription: The prescription for charity is three-fold: (1) Try to develop a genuine appreciation for people by realizing the truth about them; they are children of God, unique personalities, creative beings. (2) Take the trouble to stop and think of the other person's feelings, his view­points, his desires and needs. Think more of what the other fellow wants, and how he must feel. A friend of mine kids his wife by telling her, whenever she asks him, "Do you love me?"—"Yes, whenever I stop and think about it." There is a lot of truth in this. We cannot feel anything about other people unless we "stop and think" about them. (3) Act as if other people are important and [ treat them accordingly. In your treatment of people have regard for their feelings. We tend to feel about objects in accordance with the way we treat them.

Faith and Courage Are "Natural Instincts"

Have you ever wondered why the "urge" or desire to gamble seems to be instinctive in human nature? My own theory is that this universal "urge" is an instinct, which, when used correctly, urges us to bet on ourselves, to take a chance on our own creative potentialities. When we have faith and act with courage—that is exactly what we're doing-—gambling on, taking a chance on, our own creative God-given talents. It is also my theory that people who frustrate this natural instinct, by refusing to live creatively and act with courage, are the people who develop "gambling fever" and become addicts of gam­bling tables. A man who will not take a chance on himself must bet on something. And the man who will not act with courage sometimes seeks the feeling of courage from a bottle. Faith and courage are natural human instincts and we feel a need to express them—in one way or an­other.

Prescription: Be willing to make a few mistakes, to s u f -fer a little pain to get what you want. Don't sell yourself short. "Most people," says General R. E. Chambers, Chief of the Army's Psychiatry and Neurology Consultant Division, "don't know how brave they really are. In fact, many potential heroes, both men and women, live out their lives in self-doubt. If they only knew they had these deep resources, it would help give them the self-reliance to meet most problems, even a big crisis." You've got the resources. But you never know you've got them until you act—and give them a chance to work for you.

Another helpful suggestion is to practice acting boldly and with courage in regard to "little things." Do not wait until you can be a big hero in some dire crisis. Daily living also requires courage—and by practicing courage in little things, we develop the power and talent to act coura­geously in more important matters.

Why Not Bet on Yourself?

Nothing in this world is ever absolutely certain or guar­anteed. Often the difference between a successful man and a failure is not one's better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on his ideas, to take a calcu­lated risk—-and to act.

We often think of courage in terms of heroic deeds on the battlefield, in a shipwreck, or similar crisis. But every­day living requires courage, too, if it is to be effective.

Standing still, failure to act, causes people who are faced with a problem to become nervous, feel "stymied," "trapped," and can bring on a host of physical symptoms. I tell such people: "Study the situation thoroughly, go over in your imagination the various courses of action possible to you and the consequences which can and may follow from each course. Pick out the course which gives the most promise—and go ahead. If we wait until we are i absolutely certain and sure before we act we will never do anything. Any time you act you can be wrong. Any de­cision you make can turn out to be the wrong one. But we must not let this deter us from going after the goal we want. You must daily have the courage to risk making mistakes, risk failure, risk being humiliated. A step in the wrong direction is better than staying "on the spot" all your life. Once you're moving forward you can correct your course as you go. Your automatic guidance system ! cannot guide you when you're stalled, "standing still."

(3) COURAGE

Having a goal and understanding the situation are not enough. You must have the courage to act, for only by actions can goals, desires and beliefs be translated into realities.
Admiral William F. Halsey's personal motto was a quotation from Nelson, "No Captain can do very wrong if he places his Ship alongside that of an Enemy." " 'The best defense is a strong offense,' is a military principle," said Halsey, "but its application is wider than war. All problems, personal, national, or combat, become smaller if you don't dodge them, but confront them. Touch a thistle timidly, and it pricks you; grasp it boldly and its spines crumble." (William Nichols, Words to Live By, Simon and Schuster, New York.)
Someone has said that FAITH is not believing some­thing in spite of the evidence. It is the COURAGE to do something regardless of the consequences.

Be Willing to See the Truth

Oftentimes, we color incoming sensory data by our own fears, anxieties, or desires. But to deal effectively with environment we must be willing to acknowledge the truth about it. Only when we understand what it is can we re­spond appropriately. We must be able to see the truth, and to accept the truth, good or bad. Bertrand Russell said one reason Hitler lost World War II was that he did not fully understand the situation. Bearers of bad news were punished. Soon no 6ne dared tell him the truth. Not know­ing the truth, he could not act appropriately.

Many of us are individually guilty of the same error. We do not like to admit to ourselves our errors, mistakes, shortcomings, or ever admit we have been in the wrong. We do not like to acknowledge that a situation is other than we would like it to be. So we kid ourselves. And be­cause we will not see the truth, we cannot act appropri­ately. Someone has said that it is a good exercise to daily admit one painful fact about ourselves to ourselves. The Success-type personality not only does not cheat and lie to other people, he learns to be honest with himself. What we call "sincerity" is itself based upon self-understanding and self-honesty. For no man can be sincere who lies to himself by "rationalizing," or telling himself "rational-lies."

Prescription: Look for and seek out true information concerning yourself, your problems, other people, or the situation, whether it is good news or bad news. Adopt the motto—"It doesn't matter who's right, but what's right." An automatic guidance system corrects its course from negative feedback data. It acknowledges errors in order to correct them and stay on course. So must you. Admit your mistakes and errors but don't cry over them. Cor­rect them and go forward. In dealing with other people try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.

Fact vs. Opinion

Many times we create confusion when we add our own opinion to facts and come up with the wrong con­clusion. FACT: A husband cracks his knuckles. OPIN­ION: The wife concludes, "He does that because he thinks it will annoy me." FACT: The husband sucks his teeth after eating. OPINION: The wife concludes, "If he had any regard for me, he would improve his manners." FACT: Two friends are whispering when you walk up. Suddenly they stop talking and look somewhat embar-ras.sed, OPINION: They must have been gossiping about me.

The housewife, mentioned earlier, was able to understand that her husband's annoying mannerisms were not deliberate and willful acts on his part for the purpose of annoying her. When she stopped reacting just as if she had been personally insulted, she was able to pause, analyze the situation, and select an appropriate response.

(2) UNDERSTANDING

Understanding depends upon good communication. Communication is vital to any guidance system or computer. You cannot react appropriately if the information you act upon is faulty or misunderstood. Many doctors believe that "confusion" is the basic element in neurosis. To deal effectively with a problem, you must have some understanding of its true nature. Most of our failures in human relations are due to "misunderstandings."

We expect other people to react and respond and come to the same conclusions as we do from a given set of "facts" or "circumstances." We should remember what we said in an earlier chapter—no one reacts to "things as they are," but to his own mental images. Most of the time the other person's reaction or position is not taken in order to make us suffer, nor to be hardheaded, nor mali­cious, but because he "understands" and interprets the situation differently from us. He is merely responding appropriately to what—to him—seems to be the truth about the situation. To give the other person credit for be­ing sincere, if mistaken, rather than willful and malicious, can do much to smooth out human relations and bring about better understanding between people. Ask your­self, "How does this appear—to him?" "How does he interpret this situation?" "How does he feel about it?" Try to understand why he might "act the way he does."

(1) SENSE OF DIRECTION:

The advertising executive "straightened himself out" and regained his confidence within a short time, once he saw clearly that for several years he had been motivated by strong personal goals which he wanted to attain, in­cluding securing his present position. These goals, which were important to him, kept him on the track. However, once he got the promotion, he ceased to think in terms of what he wanted, but in terms of what others expected of him, or whether he was living up to other people's goals and standards. He was like the skipper of a ship who had relinquished his hold upon the wheel, and hoped that he would drift in the right direction. He was like a mountain climber, who as long as he looked upward to the peak he wished to scale, felt and acted courageously and boldly. But when he got to the top, he felt there was nowhere else to go, and began to look down, and became afraid. He was now on the defensive, defending his present position, rather than acting like a goal-striver and going on the offensive to attain his goal. He regained control when he set himself new goals and began to think in terms of, "What do I want out of this job? What do I want to achieve? Where do I want to go?"
"Functionally, a man is somewhat like a bicycle," I told him. "A bicycle maintains its poise and equilibrium only so long as it is going forward towards something. You have a good bicycle. Your trouble is you are trying to maintain your balance sitting still, with no place to go. It's no wonder you feel shaky."
We are engineered as goal-seeking mechanisms. We are built that way. When we have no personal goal which we are interested in and which "means something" to us, we are apt to "go around in circles," feel "lost" and find life itself "aimless," and "purposeless." We are built to con­quer environment, solve problems, achieve goals, and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve. People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no personal goals which are worthwhile.
Prescription: Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Decide what you want out of a situation. Always have something ahead of you to "look forward to"—to work for and hope for. Look forward, not backward. Develop what one of the auto­mobile manufacturers calls "the forward look." Develop a "nostalgia for the future" instead of for the past. The "forward look" and a "nostalgia for the future" can keep you youthful. Even your body doesn't function well when you stop being a goal-striver and "have nothing to look forward to." This is the reason that very often when a man retires, he dies shortly thereafter. When you're not goal-striving, not looking forward, you're not really "liv­ing." In addition to your purely personal goals, have at least one impersonal goal—or "cause"--which you can identify yourself with. Get interested in some project to help your fellow man—not out of a sense of duty, but because you want to.

The Picture of Success

In this chapter I am going to give you the same "pre­scription" that I would give you should you come to my office.

I have found that an easy-to-remember picture of the successful personality is contained in the letters of the word "Success" itself:

The "Success-type" personality is composed of:

S-ense of direction

U—nderstanding

C-ourage

C-harity

E-steem

S-elf-Confidence

S-elf-Acceptance.

New Roles Require New Self-images

"It doesn't make sense," he said. "I've worked for this and dreamed about it. It's just what I've always wanted. I know I can do the work. And yet, for some reason my self-confidence is shaken. I suddenly wake up, as if f r o m a dream, and ask myself—'What in the world is a small potatoes like me doing in a job like this?'" He had be­Come super-sensitive to his appearance, and thought per­haps that his "weak chin" might be the cause of his dis­comfort. "I don't look like a business executive," he said. He felt plastic surgery might be the answer to his prob­lem. ,

There was the housewife, whose children were "run­ning her crazy" and whose husband irritated her so much that she "teed o f f on him" at least twice a week for no cause. "What is the matter with me?" she asked. "My children are really nice kids I should be proud of. My husband is really a nice guy, and I'm always ashamed of myself afterwards." She felt that a "face lift" might g i v e her more confidence, and cause her family to "appre­ciate her more."

The trouble with these people, and many more like them, is not their physical appearance but their self-image. They find themselves in a new role, and are not sure what kind of a person they are supposed to "be" in order to live up to that role. Or, they have never developed a clear-cut self-image of themselves in any role.

Ingredients of the"Success-Type" Personality and How to Acquire Them

JUST as a doctor learns to diagnose disease from certain symptoms, failure and success can also be diagnosed. The reason is that a man does not simply "find" success or "come to" failure. He carries their seeds around in his personality and character.

I have found one of the most effective means of helping people achieve an adequate or "successful" personality is to first of all give them a graphic picture of what the suc­cessful personality looks like. Remember, the creative guidance mechanism within you is a goal-striving mech­anism, and the first requisite for using it is to have a clear-cut goal or target to shoot for. A great many people want to "improve" themselves, and long for a "better person­ality," who have no clear-cut idea of the direction in which improvement lies, nor what constitutes a "good personality." A good personality is one which enables you to deal effectively and appropriately with environ­ment and reality, and to gain satisfaction from reaching goals which are important to you.

Time and again, I have seen confused and unhappy people "straighten themselves out," when they were given a goal to shoot for and a straight course to follow. There was the advertising man in his early forties, for example, who felt strangely insecure and dissatisfied with him­self after receiving an important promotion.

PRACTICE EXERCISE

Habitually, you put on either your right shoe first or your left shoe. Habitually, you tie your shoes by either passing the right-hand lace around behind the left-hand lace, "or vice versa. Tomorrow morning determine which shoe you put on first and how you tie your shoes. Now, consciously decide that for the next 21 days you are going to form a new habit by putting on the other shoe first and tying your laces in a different way. Now, each morning as you decide to put on your shoes in a certain manner, let this simple act serve as a reminder to change other habit­ual ways of thinking, acting and feeling throughout that one day. Say to yourself as you tie your shoes, "I am be­ginning the day in a new and better way." Then, con­sciously decide that throughout the day:
1. I will be as cheerful as possible.
2. I will try to feel and act a little more friendly toward other people.
3. I am going to be a little less critical and a little more tolerant of other people, their faults, failings and mis­takes. I will place the best possible interpretation upon their actions.
4. Insofar as possible, I am going to act as if success were inevitable, and I already am the sort of personality I want to be. I will practice "acting like" and "feeling like" this new personality.
5. I will not let my own opinion color facts in a pessimis­tic or negative way.
6. I will practice smiling at least three times during the day.
7. Regardless of what happens, I will react as calmly a n d as intelligently as possible.
8. I will ignore completely and close my mind to all those pessimistic and negative "facts" which I can do noth­ing to change.
Simple? Yes. But each of the above habitual ways of acting, feeling, thinking does have beneficial and con­structive influence on your self-image. Act them out for 21 days. "Experience" them, and see if worry, guilt, hostility have not been diminished and if confidence has not been increased.

How to Learn the Happiness Habit

Our self-image and our habits tend to go together. Change one and you will automatically change the other. The word "habit" originally meant a garment, or cloth­ing. We still speak of riding habits, and habiliments. This gives us an insight into the true nature of habit. Our habits are literally garments worn by our personalities. They are not accidental, or happenstance. We have them because they fit us. They are consistent with our self-image and our entire personality pattern. When we consciously and deliberately develop new and better habits, our self-image tends to outgrow the old habits and grow into the new pattern.
I can see many patients cringe when I mention chang­ing habitual action patterns, or acting out new behavior patterns until they become automatic. They confuse "habit" with "addiction." An addiction is something you feel compelled to, and which causes severe withdrawal symptoms. Treatment of addiction is beyond the scope of this book.
Habits, on the other hand, are merely reactions and responses which we have learned to perform automatically without having to "think" or "decide." They are per­formed by our Creative Mechanism.
Fully 95 per cent of our behavior, feeling, and response is habitual.
The pianist does not "decide" which keys to strike. The dancer does not "decide" which foot to move where. The reaction is automatic and unthinking.
In much the same way our attitudes, emotions and be­liefs tend to become habitual. In the past we "learned" that certain attitudes, ways of feeling and thinking were "appropriate" to certain situations. Now, we tend to think, feel and act the same way whenever we encounter what we interpret as "the same sort of situation."
What we need to understand is that these habits, unlike addictions, can be modified, changed, or reversed, simply by taking the trouble to make a conscious decision—and then by practicing or "acting out" the new response or be­havior. The pianist can consciously decide to strike a different key, if he chooses. The dancer can consciously "decide" to learn a new step—and there is no agony about it. It does require constant watchfulness and prac­tice until the new behavior pattern is thoroughly learned.

How an Inventor Used "Happy-Thoughts"

Professor Elmer Gates of the Smithsonian Institution was one of the most successful inventors this country has ever known, and a recognized genius. He made a daily practice of "calling up pleasant ideas and memories" and believed that this helped him in his work. If a person wants to improve himself, he said, "Let him summon those finer feelings of benevolence and usefulness, which are called up only now and then. Let him make this a regular exercise like swinging dumbbells. Let him gradu­ally increase the time devoted to these psychical gymnas­tics, and at the end of a month he will find the change in himself surprising. The alteration will be apparent in his actions and thoughts. Morally speaking, the man will be a great improvement of his former self."

A Scientist Tests the Theory of Positive Thinking

Dr. Elwood Worcester, in his book, Body, Mind and Spirit, relates the testimony of a world-famous scientist:
"Up to my fiftieth year I was an unhappy, ineffective man. None of the works on which my reputation rests were published. . . . I lived in a constant sense of gloom and failure. Perhaps my most painful symptom was a blinding headache which recurred usually two days of the week, during which I could do nothing.
"I had read some of the literature of New Thought, which at the time appeared to be buncombe, and some statement of William James on the directing of attention to what is good and useful and ignoring the rest. One say­ing of his stuck in my mind, 'We might have to give up our philosophy of evil, but what is that in comparison with gaining a life of goodness?', or words to that effect. Hitherto these doctrines had seemed to me only mystical theories, but realizing that my soul was sick and growing worse and that my life was intolerable, I determined to put them to the proof. . . . I decided to limit the period of conscious effort to one month, as I thought this time long enough to prove its value or worthlessness to me. During this month I resolved to impose certain restrictions on my thoughts. If I thought of the past, I would try to let my mind dwell only on its happy, pleasing incidents, the bright days of my childhood, the inspiration of my teachers and the slow revelation of my life-work. In think­ing of the present, I would deliberately turn my attention to its desirable elements, my home, the opportunities my solitude gave me to work, and so on, and I resolved to make the utmost use of these opportunities and to ignore the fact that they seemed to lead to nothing. In thinking of the future I determined to regard every worthy and pos­sible ambition as within my grasp. Ridiculous as this seemed at the time, in view of what has come to me since, I see that the only defect of my plan was that it aimed too low and did not include enough."
He then tells how his headaches ceased within one week, and how he felt happier and better than ever before in his life. But, he adds:
"The outward changes of my life, resulting from my change of thought have surprised me more than the in­ward changes, yet they spring from the latter. There were certain eminent men, for example, whose recognition I deeply craved. The foremost of those wrote me, out of a clear sky, and invited me to become his assistant. My works have all been published, and a foundation has been created to publish all that I may write in the future. The men with whom I have worked have been very helpful and cooperative toward me chiefly on account of my changed disposition. Formerly they would not have en­dured me. . . . As I look back over all these changes, it seems to me that in some blind way I stumbled on a path of life and set forces to working for me which before were against me." (Elwood Worcester and Samuel McComb, Body, Mind and Spirit, New York, Charles Scribner's Sons.)

A Salesman Who Needed Surgery on His Thoughts Rather Than His Nose

A young salesman had made up his mind to quit his job when he consulted me about an operation on his nose. His nose was slightly larger than normal, but certainly not "repulsive" as he insisted. He felt that prospects were secretly laughing at his nose or repulsed because of it. It was a "fact" that he had a large nose. It was a "fact" that three customers had called in to complain of his rude and hostile behavior. It was a fact that his boss had placed him on probation, and that he hadn't made a sale in two weeks. Instead of an operation on his nose, I suggested he perform surgery on his own thinking. For thirty days he was to "cut out" all these negative thoughts. He was to completely ignore all the negative and unpleasant "facts" in his situation, and deliberately focus his atten­tion upon pleasant thoughts. At the end of thirty days he not only felt better, but he found that prospects and cus­tomers had become much more friendly, his sales were steadily increasing, and his boss had publicly congratu­lated him in a sales meeting.

Systematically Practice "Healthy-Mindedness"

"The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere," said that most famous moralist, Ralph Waldo Emerson.
The idea that happiness, or keeping one's thoughts pleasant most of the time, can be deliberately and systematically cultivated by practicing in a more or less cold-blooded manner, strikes many of my patients as rather incredible, if not ludicrous, when I first suggest it. Yet, experience has shown not only that this can be done, but that it is about the only way that the "habit of happi­ness" can be cultivated. In the first place happiness isn't something that happens to you. It is something you your self do and determine upon. If you wait for happiness to catch up with you, or "just happen," or be brought to you by others, you are likely to have a long wait. No o n e can decide what your thoughts shall be but yourself. If you wait until circumstances "justify" your thinking pleasant thoughts, you are also likely to wait forever. Every day is a mixture of good and evil—no day or cir­cumstance is completely 100 per cent "good." There are ments and "facts" present in the world, and in our personal lives at all times, which "justify" either a pessi­mistic and grumpy outlook, or an optimistic and happy outlook, depending upon our choice. It is largely a mat­ter of selection, attention, and decision. Nor is it a matter of being either intellectually honest or dishonest. Good is as "real" as evil. It is merely a matter of to what we choose to give primary attention—and what thoughts we hold in the mind.
Deliberately choosing to think pleasant thoughts is more than a palliative. It can have very practical results. Carl Erskine, the famous baseball pitcher, has said that bad thinking got him into more spots than bad pitching. "One sermon has helped me overcome pressure better than the advice of any coach," he said. "Its substance was that, like a squirrel hoarding chestnuts, we should store up our moments of happiness and triumph so that in a crisis we can draw upon these memories for help and inspiration. As a kid I used to fish at the bend of a little country stream just outside my home town. I can vividly remem­ber this spot in the middle of a big, green pasture sur­rounded by tall, cool trees. Whenever tension builds up both on or o f f the ballfield now, I concentrate on t h i s relaxing scene, and the knots inside me loosen up." (Nor­man Vincent Peale, ed., Faith Made Them Champions, Englewood Cliffs, N.J., Prentice-Hall, 1954.)
Gene Tunney tells how concentrating on the wrong "facts" almost caused him to lose his first fight with Jack Dempsey. He awoke one night from a nightmare. "The vision was of myself, bleeding, mauled and helpless, sink-jjjg to the canvas and being counted out. I couldn't stop trembling. Right there I had already lost that ring match which meant everything to me—the championship. . . . What could I do about this terror? I could guess the cause. I had been thinking about the fight in the wrong way. I had been reading the newspapers, and all they had said was how Tunney would lose. Through the news­papers I was losing the battle in my own mind.
"Part of the solution was obvious. Stop reading the papers. Stop thinking of the Dempsey menace, Jack's kill­ing punch and ferocity of attack. I simply had to close the doors of my mind to destructive thoughts—and divert my thinking to other things."

Looking back on my own life I can see that some of the happiest years were those when I was struggling through as a medical student, and living from hand to mouth in my early days of practice. Many times I was hungry. I was cold and ill-clad. I worked hard a minimum of about 12 hours a day. Many times I did not know from month to month where the money was coming from to pay my rent. But I did have a goal. I had a consuming desire to reach it, and a determined persistence which kept me working toward it.

I related all this to the young business executive and suggested that the real cause of his unhappy feeling was not that he had lost $200,000, but that he had lost his goal; he had lost his aggressive attitude, and was yielding passively rather than reacting aggressively.

"I must have been crazy," he told me later, "to let you convince me that losing the money was not what was mak­ing me unhappy—but I'm awfully glad that you did." He stopped moaning about his misfortune, "faced about," got himself another goal—and started working toward it. Within five years he not only had more money than ever before in his life, but for the first time he was in a business that he enjoyed.

Practice Exercise: Form the habit of reacting aggressively and positively toward threats and problems. Form the habit of keeping goal-oriented all the time, regardless of what happens. Do this by practicing a positive aggressive attitude, both in actual everyday situations which come up, and also in your imagination. See yourself in your imagination taking positive, intelligent action toward solv­ing a problem or reaching a goal. See yourself reacting to threats, not by running away or evading them, but by meeting them, dealing with them, grappling with them in an aggressive and intelligent manner. "Most people are brave only in the dangers to which they accustom them­selves, either in imagination or practice," said Bulwer-Lytton, the English novelist

The Attitude That Makes for Happiness

It has been pointed out earlier that since man is a goal-striving being, he is functioning naturally and normally when he is oriented toward some positive goal and striving toward some desirable goal. Happiness is a symptom of normal, natural functioning and when man is functioning as a goal-striver, he tends to feel fairly happy, regardless of circumstances. My young business executive friend was very unhappy because he had lost $200,000. Thomas A. Edison lost a laboratory worth millions in a fire, with no insurance. "What in the world will you do?" someone asked. "We will start rebuilding tomorrow morning," said Edison. He maintained an aggressive attitude, he was still goal-oriented despite his misfortune. And because he did maintain an aggressive goal-striving attitude, it is a good bet that he was never unhappy about his loss.
Psychologist H. L. Hollingworth has said that happi­ness requires problems, plus a mental attitude that is ready to meet distress with action toward a solution.
"Much of what we call evil is due entirely to the way men take the phenomenon," said William James. "It can so often be converted into a bracing and tonic good by a simple change of the sufferer's inner attitude from one of fear to one of fight; its sting can so often depart and turn into a relish when, after vainly seeking to shun it, we agree to face about and bear it cheerfully; that a man is simply bound in honor, with reverence to many of the facts that seem at first to disconcern his peace, to adopt this way of escape. Refuse to admit their badness; de­spise their power; ignore their presence; turn your atten­tion the other way; and so far as you yourself are con­cerned at any rate, though the facts may still exist, their evil character exists no longer. Since you make them evil or good by your own thoughts about them, it is the ruling of your thoughts which proves to be your principal con­cern." (William James, The Varieties of Religious Ex­perience, New York, Longmans, Green & Co.)

Your Opinion Can Add to Unhappy Events

Even in regard to tragic conditions, and the most ad­verse environment, we can usually manage to be happier, if not completely happy, by not adding to the misfortune our own feelings of self-pity, resentment, and our own adverse opinions.

"How can I be happy?" the wife of an alcoholic husband asked me. "I don't know," I said, "but you can be happier by resolving not to add resentment and self-pity to your misfortune."

"How can I possibly be happy?" asked a businessman, "I have just lost $200,000 on the stock market. I am ruined and disgraced."

"You can be happier," I said, "by not adding your own opinion to the facts. It is a fact that you lost $200,000. It is your opinion that you are ruined and disgraced."

I then suggested that he memorize a saying of Epictetus, which has always been a favorite of mine—"Men are disturbed," said the sage, "not by things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen."

When I announced that I wanted to be a doctor, I was told that this could not be, because my folks had no money. It was a fact that my mother had no money. It was only an opinion that I could never be a doctor. Later, I was told I could never take post-graduate courses in Germany, and that it was impossible for a young plastic surgeon to hang out his own shingle and go into business for himself in New York. I did all these things—and one of the things that helped me was that I kept reminding myself that all these "impossibles" were opinions, not facts. I not only managed to reach my goals—but I was happy in the process—even when I had to pawn my over­coat to buy medical books, and do without lunch in order to purchase cadavers. I was in love with a beautiful girl. She married someone else. These were facts. But I kept reminding myself that it was merely my opinion that this was a "catastrophe" and that life was not worth living. I not only got over it, but it turned out that it was one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me.

Stop Letting Things Push You Around

The best cure I have found for this sort of thing is to use unhappiness' own weapon—self-esteem. "Have you ever been to a TV show and seen the master of cere­monies manipulate the audience?" I asked a patient. "He brings out a sign which says 'applause' and everyone applauds. He brings out another which says 'laughter' and everyone laughs. They act like sheep—as if they were slaves, and meekly react as they are told to react. You are acting the same way. You are letting outward events and other people dictate to you how you shall feel and how you shall react. You are acting as an obedient slave and obeying promptly when some event or circumstance signals to you—'Be angry'—'Get upset'—or 'Now is the time to feel unhappy.' "

Learning the happiness habit, you become a master instead of a slave, or as Robert Louis Stevenson said, "The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward condi­tions."

Happiness Is a Mental Habit Which Can be Cultivated and Developed

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," said Abraham Lincoln.

"Happiness is purely internal," says psychologist Dr. Matthew N. Chappell. "It is produced, not by objects, but by ideas, thoughts, and attitudes which can be de­veloped and constructed by the. individual's own activi­ties, irrespective of the environment."

No one, other than a saint, can be 100 per cent happy all the time. And, as George Bernard Shaw quipped, we would probably be miserable if we were. But we can, by taking thought, and making a simple decision, be happy and think pleasant thoughts a large share of the time, re­garding that multitude of little events and circumstances of daily living which now make us unhappy. To a large extent we react to petty annoyances, frustrations, and the like with grumpiness, dissatisfaction, resentment and irri­tability, purely out of habit. We have practiced reacting that way so long, it has become habitual. Much of this habitual unhappiness-reaction originated because of some event which we interpreted as a blow to our self-esteem. A driver honks his horn at us unnecessarily; someone interrupts and doesn't pay attention while we're talking; someone doesn't come through for us as we think he should. Even impersonal events can be interpreted, and reacted to, as affronts to our self-esteem. The bus we wanted to catch had to be late; it had to go and rain when we had planned to play golf; traffic had to get into a snarl just when we needed to catch the plane. We react with anger, resentment, self-pity—or in other words, unhappiness.

Happiness Does Not Lie in the Future but the Present

"We are never living, but only hoping to live; and looking forward always to being happy, it is inevitable that we never are so," said Pascal.
I have found that one of the commonest causes of un-happiness among my patients is that they are attempting to live their lives on the deferred payment plan. They do not live, nor enjoy life now, but wait for some future event or occurrence. They will be happy when they g e t married, when they get a better job, when they get the house paid for, when they get the children through col­lege, when they have completed some task or won some victory. Invariably, they are disappointed. Happiness is a mental habit, a mental attitude, and if it is not learned' and practiced in the present it is never experienced. It cannot be made contingent upon solving some external problem. When one problem is solved another appears to take its place. Life is a series of problems. If you are to be happy at all, you must be happy—period! not happy "because of."
"I have now reigned above fifty years in victory or peace," said the Caliph Abdelraham, "beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear] to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot; they amount to fourteen."

The Pursuit of Happiness Is Not Selfish

Many sincere people are deterred from seeking happi­ness because they feel that it would be "selfish" or "wrong." Unselfishness does make for happiness, for it not only gets our minds directed outward away from our­selves and our introspection, our faults, sins, troubles (un­pleasant thoughts), or pride in our "goodness," but it also enables us to express ourselves creatively, and fulfill our­selves in helping others. One of the most pleasant thoughts to any human being is the thought that he is needed, that he is important enough to help and add to the happiness of some other human being. However, if we make a moral issue out of happiness and conceive of it as something to be earned as a sort of reward for being unselfish, we are very apt to feel guilty about wanting happiness. Happi­ness comes from being and acting unselfishly—as a natural accompaniment to the being and acting, not as a "pay off" or prize. If we are rewarded for being unselfish, the next logical step is to assume that the more self-abnegat­ing and miserable we make ourselves, the more happy we will be. The premise leads to the absurd conclusion that -the way to be happy is to be unhappy.

If there is any moral issue involved it is on the side of happiness rather than unhappiness. "The attitude of un-happiness is not only painful, it is mean and ugly," says William James. "What can be more base and unworthy than the pining, puling, mumping mood, no matter by what outward ills it may have been engendered? What is more injurious to others? What less helpful as a way out of the difficulty? It but fastens and perpetuates the trouble which occasioned it, and increases the total evil of the situation."

Common Misconceptions About Happiness

Happiness is not something that is earned or deserved. Happiness is not a moral issue, any more than the circula­tion of the blood is a moral issue. Both are necessary to health and well-being. Happiness is simply a "state of mind in which our thinking is pleasant a good share of the time." If you wait until you "deserve" to think pleas-gut thoughts, you are likely to think unpleasant thoughts concerning your own unworthiness. "Happiness is not the reward of virtue," said Spinoza, "but virtue itself; nor do we delight in happiness because we restrain our lusts; but, on the contrary, because we delight in it, therefore are we able to restrain them." (Spinoza, Ethics.)

Harvard psychologists studied the correlation between happiness and criminality and concluded that the old Dutch proverb, "Happy people are never wicked," w a s scientifically true. They found that a majority of criminals came from unhappy homes, had a history of unhappy human relationships. A ten-year study of frustration at Yale University brought out that much of what we call immorality and hostility to others is brought about by our own unhappiness. Dr. Schindler has said that unhap-piness is the sole cause of all psychosomatic ills and that happiness is the only cure. The very word "disease" means a state of unhappiness—"dis-ease." A recent sur­vey showed that by and large, optimistic, cheerful busi­nessmen who "looked on the bright side of things" were more successful than pessimistic businessmen.

It appears that in our popular thinking about happi­ness we have managed to get the cart before the horse. "Be good," we say, "and you will be happy." "I would be happy," we say to ourselves, "if I could be successful a n d healthy." "Be kind and loving to other people and y o u will be happy." It might be nearer the truth if we said, "Be happy—and you will be good, more successful,] healthier, feel and act more charitably towards others."

You Can Acquire the Habit of Happiness

IN this chapter I want to discuss with you the subject of happiness, not from a philosophical, but from a medical standpoint. Dr. John A. Schindler's definition of happi­ness is, "A state of mind in which our thinking is pleasant a good share of the time." From a medical stand­point, and also from an ethical standpoint, I do not be­lieve that simple definition can be improved upon. It is what we are talking about in this chapter.

Happiness is Good Medicine

Happiness is native to the human mind and its physi­cal machine. We think better, perform better, feel better, and are healthier when we are happy. Even our physical sense organs work better. Russian psychologist K. Kek-cheyev tested people when they were thinking pleasant and unpleasant thoughts. He found that when thinking pleasant thoughts they could see better, taste, smell and hear better, and detect finer differences in touch. Dr. Wil­liam Bates proved that eyesight improves immediately when the individual is thinking pleasant thoughts, or visu­alizing pleasant scenes. Margaret Corbett has found that memory is greatly improved, and that the mind is re­laxed, when the subject is thinking pleasant thoughts.

Psychosomatic medicine has proved that our stomachs liver, heart, and all our internal organs function better when we are happy. Thousands of years ago wise old King Solomon said in his Proverbs: "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth up the ' bones." It is significant, too, that both Judaism and Chris­tianity prescribe joy, rejoicing, thankfulness, cheerfulness as a means towards righteousness and the good life.